Romance on the Road

We've been traveling at least part time for nearly five years now. It started with tent camping, then sleeping in the back of our SUV, and now full-time travel around the globe, which sounds way cooler than it is. We've slept in single-bed hotels and luxury villas, out under the stars and skyscrapers. And what we've learned, really and truly, is that romance is hard, especially when you have little kids. 

Don't get me wrong, we're not perfect. There have been times where (mom, stop reading!) it's been weeks since we've had sex. Sometimes, the stress of everyday life just makes it unappealing or too exhausting. But most of the time, we're okay. And just okay is usually good enough when you have responsibilities. So that's Tip #1: Sometimes it's okay to just be doing okay. It's fine not to be into it, what matters is that you're still communicating with your partner. This is true whether you're traveling full time or none of the time - communication about how you're feeling is important. Sex drives are weird and complicated and sometimes you just don't want to have sex. If we haven't gotten it on in more than two weeks, usually there's something more at play - financial stress or work stress, or even mental health concerns - and we really need to talk to our partner. If it's at least every two weeks, usually that means we're okay, just busy.

Tip #2: Get a room!
When booking a place to stay, if we're going for more than a week, we have to have at least two bedrooms. This is part of the reason we almost always book longer stays on Airbnb - privacy and at least two bedrooms. When we're in transit, staying a week or less somewhere, we'll usually get a hotel room or, if we're in the US/Canada, camp. When you're staying a hotel, literally anywhere private with a door will work. Bathroom? Yep. Closet? If it's big enough. What matters more is that we make sure our kids aren't somewhere they can just stumble upon the goings-on. Typically, this means waiting until bedtime. Or at the very least, giving them a screen and some snacks and being very very quick.

This is a little more complicated when you're all sharing a tent or sleeping in the back of a car together, especially since it's sometimes illegal. Make sure you know if what the local regulations are about sex in a tent, the car, and outdoors before you get it on while camping. There's a strong chance you'll just have to go without (or book a hotel room every couple of days...). 

Tip #3: It's not weird or wrong to show affection in front of your kids.

Let me repeat this for those who might not have heard: IT IS NOT WEIRD OR WRONG TO SHOW AFFECTION IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS. I'm not saying do sexual things in front of your kids - that is absolutely weird and wrong and probably illegal - but hugging, kissing, and snuggling your significant other is healthy and normal and can absolutely happen when your kids are around (as long as it's not performative - that's problematic for other reasons). It is actually good to show your children what a healthy, loving, and affectionate relationship looks like. I also recommend shutting down any objections to anything short of making out; kids will go through phases where they think seeing their parents be affectionate is gross and they'll say stuff like "eww" and make gagging sounds whenever they see you hug. It happens. We've made it clear that that kind of response, while understandable, is overly dramatic and unnecessary. It's okay for us grown-ups to be lovey-dovey.

There's not always a clear line between what's okay and what's not. Our rule of thumb is to keep it below PG-13 in front of the kids and if we're getting a little frisky, we'll shut it down or leave the room. 

Tip #4: Adult personal time is important

Sometimes our adult personal time is together, and sometimes it isn't. We have two types: Private Time and Jail. Private Time is what we say in front of the kids - "Mom and dad need some private time." This isn't just limited to intimacy; sometimes it's difficult conversations, sometimes it's going to the bathroom without being interrupted, sometimes it's even just sitting in bed and playing video games with the lights off all day. Whatever the reason, it involves time without the kids, and they know they have to knock on the door (usually we lock it, just in case) and minimize interruptions to emergencies only. This takes a lot of training, so if you're not already established with a private time routine, you should practice low-stakes private time, like going to the bathroom or taking a shower first. It's pretty easy to give them a screen and make sure they're fed, then announce "I'm having some private time, so don't call for me unless it's an emergency, like someone got a boo boo." If you have a very - uh - rambunctious kid that needs a lot of attention (or one who will use this as an excuse to climb the counters and get some candy), this could take some practice and patience. 

Jail is what we say to each other when we're talking about alone time of less than an hour, usually right before bed or first thing in the morning. Typically this happens when we're spending time together and want to go to bed separately instead of together - the person who calls it gets the bedroom first and the person in "jail" has to wait at least half an hour before joining. It's a very intimate thing to acknowledge about yourself or your partner, but it's also healthy and extremely important. Not everything has to be with each other, and you absolutely shouldn't have to hide that (it's basically impossible to do when you spend so much time together anyway). 

Tip #5: Not all intimacy and romance is sex

Date nights. After-kids-bedtime wine and cheese. Scary movies with popcorn. Sitting outside on the porch with tea. (Note that all of these use food as an excuse to hang out, haha) There are a million ways to spend time with your partner without the kids present, and most of them don't involve sex. Don't get me wrong, sex is important, but just being in each other's presence and having a relationship that doesn't revolve around your kids is incredibly necessary. Most of this, for us, is family walk time. The kids run off ahead while we adults hang back and chat. We tend to do the same thing on road trips - the kids will play with their toys or on a screen, and we adults will chat. There's a lot of chatting involved. 

If you don't know what to talk about other than your kids, just ask about your partner's interests and let them ramble about it for a little while, even if you don't personally care. It sounds callous, I know, but it's really important to express interest in your partner's interests, even if you're not actually interested. Fake it until you... uh... have something to add to the conversation? Whatever, pretend you're interested in their interests because you're interested in them. Interestingly, you might start to actually get interested (For the record, Meghan doesn't care about mini-league and Joe doesn't care about trademark law... you really don't have to share the same passions) 

Tip #6: Take care of yourself, too 

This should be a "duh" thing, but you have to allow yourself some personal time and you have to give it to your partner. When you're always around each other and your kids, its hard to find time for yourself. Whenever one of us is struggling - and I don't just mean with romance - we suggest to the other one, sometimes aggressively order the other one, to take time to be by themselves. This usually means going on what we call a "stupid walk," which is a walk outside by ourselves, strictly for the purpose of just getting outside ("I need to take a stupid walk for my stupid mental health!"), as opposed to a "walk," which involves a task like running to the store or can include children, or "family walk time" which is the entire family. It's the lowest barrier task to getting outside, a bit of exercise, and not having to deal with children in the meantime. And it can be done basically anywhere. 

Other things we do for our personal time include jail (see tip #4), yoga & meditation, and long bubble baths (when we have a bathtub). Joe sometimes goes to the laundromat by himself for the same reason, and sometimes Meghan wanders aimlessly around stores without buying things. The point is to spend time apart. 

Tip #7: These tips kind of apply to your kids.

A lot of what I've talked about centers around privacy and personal space, which is hard to do when you're on the road. But remember, kids need privacy and personal space, too. Our kids usually share a bedroom and often share a bed (often by their own choice, IDK, they're weird), so making sure they get to spend time apart from each other is important. It's more important the older they get, but it usually boils down to just being in separate rooms for a little while or individual parental attention, where one has to spend time playing by themselves while the other gets one-on-one time playing with a parent. There's also times when one kid goes on errands with a parent, while the other stays home (with the other parent). 

I know it's not directly related to romance between the parents, but if you want personal space and privacy with your partner, you have to teach your kids about it. They might fight it now, but estabilishing these things early helps them understand it as they get older. Our kids know that if they shout "I don't want to talk about it, I want to be alone!" then we'll respect their feelings and we can talk about whatever it is later, when they've had a minute to calm down. If you respect their privacy, they'll respect yours. 

There's probably more...

I'm not a relationship advisor or a therapist; I don't know everything. This is just me speaking from my own experience, so what works for us might not work for you. This list is just what we do to make sure our relationship is healthy even though we spend a lot of time together as a family.